Dear Mr. Self Development,

I want to have sex a lot more often than my wife, I believe this creates tension on our marriage.  I must admit that I become less flexible because of her seeming lack of concern.   I’m tired of hearing her say, “I have a headache.” Any advice would be appreciated.

Larry

Larry, let me start off with a brief story:

A guy named John had just taken his wife Kelly out to dinner.  After dinner, the two enjoyed a wonderful movie where they laughed until they cried.  The two had a sublime evening and thoroughly enjoyed each others company.  Upon arriving home, they promptly paid the baby sitter and sent her on her way.  John then visited John Junior’s room where he happily noticed that their baby was sound asleep.

With excitement in his heart, John begins to mentally prepare for a night of fun and frolic.  As he enters his bedroom, he hears his wife say the dreaded words, “I have a headache.”  Which being interpreted means, not sure what you had planned John, but I’m going to bed, and right now.  John is now disappointed, maybe even hurt, he goes to bed, but can’t help feeling a little disconnected from his wife…

It happens all too often in marriage, the dreaded “I have a headache” comment.  Men are most often the abject victims of such a statement.  But I imagine this could be a two-way street.  Although I have personally never told my wife, “I have a headache” as an excuse to not make love; I imagine maybe some guys have.

I have good news

There is a solution to this dilemma, which I think will make both parties happy.  And that solution is….drum role please….Draw up a “Sex Contract.”

A “Sex Contract” is an agreement between both parties as to the frequency of sex.  This allows for no negative surprises, while everyone’s expectations are met.  You can even hire a lawyer to draw up the terms of the agreement, I’m only kidding .

The contract would essentially say, (as an example) we will make love once a day on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, or something to this affect.

This eliminates the guess work from both parties, such as: are they going to ask, is it too late, et cetera.

My wife and I implemented this idea of a “Sex Contract” about a year into our marriage.  We have no formal written agreement, but we have a spoken agreement, as to the frequency of sex.  So there’s never any confusion or questions or misunderstandings about sex.  You may want to read that last line again, if you’re questioning if this is a good idea.

In practice: If there’s an agreement to have sex on Monday’s, and we have not yet had sex on Monday, then we both can expect at some point to have sex on Monday.

In our story above, if John and Kelly had implemented a sex contract, John could have more easily avoided his feelings of being disconnected from his wife (and everything that goes along with that).  He would have known that they don’t have sex on Fridays, or that they do have sex on Fridays, and they would have.

This sex contract has worked very well in helping to create marital bliss in my marriage.  I can only hope that others will implement this to improve their love life, and more importantly their marriage.

Note: Other items can be included in the sex contract, outside of sex.  We discuss this more in the article “How to Have Bliss in Your Relationship Despite Differences.”  Also, remember, you must have a good marriage to begin with.  If you do not genuinely admire each other, this “Sex Contract” is probably not a good idea, and may make matters worse.

Tips to setting up a sex contract:

1. Both parties must sit down, discuss, and happily agree on the terms
2. Before creating the contract, you must read, “How to Have Bliss in Your Relationship Despite Differences “ because some trade-offs maybe necessary to make both parties happy
3. Stick to the agreement as much as reasonably possible
4. There’s always room for flexibility, if both parties are willing, or if a trade-off allows for it
5. Have fun and remember this doesn’t end the need for spontaneous sex

To your bliss…

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