Dear Mr. Self Development,

Why do people cheat?

Melissa

Why do people cheat?  Can you prevent your partner from cheating?

Let’s start off with a brief story:

One Friday afternoon, a guy named John decided to come home early from work.  John was in a pleasant mood and was whistling as he pulled into his garage.  To his surprise, he noticed his wife’s car was already in the garage.  Feeling somewhat confused, John gets out of his car and swiftly opens the door to their home.

At this time, John’s wife Kelly is in their master bedroom, and she hears the garage door open.

Kelly quickly becomes panicked, because their neighbor Peter is also in their master bedroom.  (Kelly has been secretly seeing Peter for about a month, and certainly doesn’t want her husband John finding out.)

John quickly heads towards the master bedroom, with an unusual suspicion.

Kelly instinctively tells Peter to get under the bed.

John opens the door to the master bedroom just as Peter crawls safely under the bed.  John asks Kelly, “Why are you home so early?”  Kelly replies to John saying, “Why are you home so early?”

John begins to nervously walk around the room, and suddenly hears Peter moving under their bed.  John looks under the bed, and to his amazement, his friend Peter is there.  John screams, “What the Hell is going on?,”  Peter rolls from under the bed, jumps to his feet, and before John has time to lay a hand on him, he dashes through the door, and out of the house.  John looks at his wife Kelly with tears in his eyes and says, “How could you!”

Why did Kelly do it?

Is it because Kelly’s a bad person who has no regard for anyone outside of herself?  Maybe, but not likely.

A majority of the time people cheat because they feel their needs are not being met.  Am I trying to justify cheaters?  Not at all.

But what the story doesn’t tell is that John is always working late, and over the past two years has spent very little personal time with his wife.  Not that this justifies cheating, but it certainly opens the door to cheating (and an open door is sometimes all that it takes).

When someone feels their needs aren’t being met, they will typically take measures to meet those needs.  (And when I say needs, I’m not talking about food or shelter, but emotional needs that are almost as important as food and shelter.)

Imagine a thirteen year old boy who is hungry, starving even, because he hadn’t eaten in days.  If given the opportunity to “steal” to satisfy his hunger, he may succumb to the pressure and “steal.”  Does this make it right?  Certainly not.  Understandable maybe, right, no.  If his parents had given him the needed food, the pressure to steal probably wouldn’t have gotten the best of him.

Now, is it the parent’s fault that the teenager stole? No, he’s responsible for his own actions, but they certainly made it easier for him.  They opened the door for such behavior by not adequately meeting the child’s needs at home.

In a nutshell, people cheat to meet their needs.  If you want to prevent your partner from cheating, you need to find out what their needs are and meet them (see the article on Meeting Expectations in Relationships for more details).  How do you find out what your partners needs are?  You ask them, and then you ask them how you’re ranking in those areas on a scale of 1-10 (have them write it out).  If they rank you relatively low on a particular need, ask them how you can improve.

Your partner may respond saying they need more compliments, more flowers or more appreciation.

By ensuring you’re meeting your partner’s expectations you are closing the door that’s responsible for MOST infidelity.  The unpopular reality is, if you’re in the relationship, you have some responsibility for the relationship, you can’t say I’m 100 percent innocent in the matter (if you’re cheated on).

Recognize your responsibilities by asking what the expectations are, and then meet those expectations (as long as they’re not immoral, illegal or something like that).  If you do this, you will probably not be cheated on.
We should all ensure that we are constantly letting our partners know how much they are needed and appreciated (with our words and actions).

What if I’m meeting my partner’s needs and they still cheat?

Well, even though you maybe doing everything you’re supposed to be doing.  You’re probably not meeting all of your partners needs.  Let me explain, some people have a need of wanting more than one partner, because they have refused to bridal their lustful desires (by controlling their thoughts).

Because the need of multiple partners can’t be met by a single partner, they cheat.  I could write an entire series on this, but in short, make sure your partner is comfortable with the idea of being in a committed relationship (with one person, you ) before you proceed any further.

Thank you for reading mrselfdevelopment.com where every article expands your mind, increases your faith, and changes your life.

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