Dear Mr. Self Development,

How do you deal with differences in relationships? As an example, I enjoy going to the movies, but my boyfriend does not, I enjoy visiting my family, but my boyfriend never wants to come with me.  Any advice.

Erin

Erin, I recently heard a personal development speaker announce that he was going to end his monogamous relationship with his wife and switch over to a polyamorous relationship (which will include his wife) because of relationship differences similar to the ones you mention.

What is a polyamrous relationship? A polyamorous relationship is essentially an open relationship, where you are free to get to know other partners, in more ways than one. He’s doing this mainly because of relational differences.  He discussed some of the problems he was having in his relationship that led him to take this route:

1. Frequency of sex with his wife, or infrequency of sex with his wife, whichever way you want to look at it
2. Different diet plans than his wife, can never enjoy the same meal; has to make his own meals
3. They don’t like the same movies
4. He doesn’t like visiting her family (for multiple hours at a time)
5. His wife doesn’t enjoy hiking like he does, etc.

He said that compromise is not the answer, because then they would both be unhappy. I think he’s come to realize that all monogamous relationships have these challenges, unless you marry a clone of yourself. So his solution, satisfy your needs with other people. I will neither condemn nor justify polyamorous relationships in this article; you can do that on your own. Today I want to discuss how to solve differences in relationships.

The solution is called, “trade-offs.”

A trade-off is essentially giving something to your partner, which they want, in exchange for something that you want; kind of like a bartering system.  As an example, in our story above we see that the personal development speaker is looking for more sexual opportunities with his wife, while his wife wants to see movies that would put him to sleep.  This could be quite the dilemma, but not with the ever-problem solving ability of the trade-off system.   In a trade-off system, the couple would simply agree in a loving way to come to a common ground (one that would make both of them ecstatic).  In other words, it would go something like this.

Wife: “I would love to go see the movie the new movie ‘The Duchess’ (which happens to be set in the early 1800′s); we can have a fun date night.

Husband (Thoughts Only):  “I would rather lose a leg then sit through that boring movie.”

Husband (Words this time): “How about a ‘trade-off,’ we can go see whatever movie you like, and then we can have some fun when we get back, if you know what I mean.”

Wife: Yes! Sounds like an excellent idea.

And so we see the beauty of the trade-off system.  This has worked and continues to work wonderfully in my marriage.  In fact, the last story I just told is based on a true story, mine.  Keep in mind that trade-offs are not meant for manipulation.  Both parties should be thrilled, with the trade-off (if not, it’s a bad trade-off).

It’s like going to the grocery store, if I just give them my money, I wouldn’t be happy about that, but if I give them my money and I leave with their groceries, that’s an appealing situation.  It just seems to work better when both parties are getting something out of the deal.  I don’t imagine the grocer would be to happy if I just left with a basket of their groceries, no matter how good of a customer I usually am.

Note: Trade-offs are not meant for everyday activities that you must perform anyway, such as:

Husband: “I will go to work today, if you…. OR, I will take care of my “needed responsibility” if you….”

Remember: This is not to take the place of a healthy personal or sexual relationship, and should certainly not be limited to sexual arrangements (there’s another word for that type of behavior).  As another example, in the original story above about the personal development speaker, they could have gone hiking, which is what the guy wanted to do, and the next day they could have gone to visit the wife’s family.  Instead of one person compromising, both parties are now happy, better than that, thrilled.

Their thrilled because they received what they really wanted from a willing partner, and as the law of compensation goes, they are now willing and happy to give back.  When you scratch someone else’s back, they become happy to scratch your back. 

If this law sounds too good to be true, maybe you can believe it’s opposite.  If you punch someone in their mouth, they will probably punch you in your mouth; or worse yet.  It’s the “eye for an eye” law in reverse.

With the trade-off system, both parties are able to enjoy the things they really want with their partner.

The wife and husband, or boyfriend and girlfriend, can use this to get things done, that would never get done otherwise….

Wife: “You pick up the kids, cook dinner and cut the grass and I will”….you get the picture….

Husband:  “You cook for the family today, even though it’s my day to cook, and we will go to the restaurant that you’ve been wanting to go to this Saturday.”

This does work, and I’m proof off it.  Talk about removing some of the relational issues and stress.  Talk to your partner about this today, and try it out in a few different ways. 

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