Dear Mr. Self Development,

How do you ensure you meet your partner’s expectations?

Let’s start off with a brief story:

One Monday afternoon a young lady named Kelly comes home from a long day at work, as she slowly opens her front door, she sees her husband John sitting on their big red couch eating some juicy barbecue chicken wings.  Kelly is a bit perturbed by what she sees because she has always wanted to be married to a “healthy hunk.”  Kelly is secretly resentful of John’s lack of self-discipline when it comes to maintaining his health, and she usually act’s out that resentment in her own way.  Kelly feels like John has stopped keeping himself up since they’ve gotten married.  John has no idea.

John is frustrated that Kelly nags him about every little thing, from putting out the trash, to cutting the grass.  Kelly never politely asks for John’s help, instead she constantly nags him (e.g. When are you going to put out the trash, when are you going to put out the trash, when are you going to put out the trash; you get the point ).  Because of this, John is also secretly resentful of Kelly, which causes other problems in their relationship.  Kelly has no idea.

This is how un-met expectations look, they’re quite insidious; you probably won’t even know they exist, until they destroy the relationship. 

Kelly is expecting this healthy hunk of a husband, and John is expecting a wife who won’t nag him.  When these expectations are not met in a relationship, the relationship can become a frustrating experience.

Today I want to discuss how my wife and I ensure we meet each other’s expectations. 

Here’s what we did sometime shortly after being married to ensure we were both giving and receiving exactly what we wanted from each other:

We each developed a list of 10 things (in order of priority), that we expected in a spouse. We then reviewed this list of expectations during our normal weekly family meeting.  During that meeting we discussed each item, and why it’s particularly important. 

My wife’s expectation list looked something like this (in no particular order):

1. A Faithful

2. Affectionate

3. Giving and

4. Kind husband

5. Who spends lots of time with his family

My expectation list looked something like this:

1. A Considerate Spouse

2. and Frequent Lover

3. who is Fit

4. Loving

5. and Dresses-up frequently

Someone reading this may object and think, “Well…what if I don’t like dressing up; I’m going to be myself in my relationship!” (and they’re undoubtedly single or in a struggling relationship ) well, what if I don’t like being kind; in marriage, you sacrifice a part of what you want for the relationship.  Covenant is never convenient, but it makes you better and stronger.  When you get married, you are saying that I’m willing to be inconvenienced for the sake of the covenant, because I know I’m better off married. You are essentially saying that the slight inconveniences are not worthy to the compared to the benefits of the relationship.

Ok, sorry for that sidetrack, back to our expectation list:

The list of expectations forces you to place the issues on the table, and creates a forum in which you are more comfortable discussing the desires that are most important to you; versus just mentioning what you don’t like about the other person (and thereby causing that person to become defensive; never resolving the root of the problem).

Lastly

After we created our list, my wife and I reviewed our expectation list for a few weeks, until we formed the corresponding habits of giving each other what we needed based on our list. 

It may not be a bad idea for us to make another list to ensure that we are continually meeting the ever-changing expectations of our relationship.

In an ideal situation, you would make an expectation list like this prior to getting married (and update it throughout the marriage).  I discuss some questions you can ask related to setting expectations in the article “12 Must Ask Questions Before You Get Married.”  (This is a good read even if you’re already married.)

In Conclusion

Be sure to get with your partner today and decide to make a list of what you expect from each other, it could be a list of 5 or 10 things, or more; agree to work to make the other person happier. When you make your partner happy, you will become happier, because you can’t affect part of a relationship, without affecting the whole relationship.  In addition, by giving your partner what they want, they will be motivated to give you want you want, and everybody wins.

Thank you for reading mrselfdevelopment.com where every article expands your mind, increases your faith, and changes your life.

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