Dear Mr. Self Development,

I’m getting married next year, what advice can you give me?

Kelly

Kelly there are 12 questions that you must ask before you get married.  Most people are so anxious to get married, they forget to ask the critical questions that will make the marriage last. 

Here are 12 questions you must ask before getting married:

1. Do you have any bad habits (e.g. Gambling, Shopping, Eating, Drinking, Sex, etc.)?  A must ask question.  You want to know if your partner has any bad habits that will affect your relationship.  Most people have at least one bad habit.  A single bad habit, if not attended to, can unravel an entire relationship (see the article on 8 Steps to Breaking Bad Habits, it’s required reading).  If you don’t ask, your partner may not tell.
2. What are your financial goals, aspirations, expectations and how will you achieve them?  A majority of divorces occur due to stress on the relationship related to finances.  Having financial goals are beneficial to the success of a marriage relationship, so be sure to ask this question.  You don’t want wait until you’ve been married for five years to discover that your partner has no financial goals or aspirations. 
3. What influence, if any, will your family have on our marriage?  It’s probably a good idea to find out if you’re mother-in-law is going to be making all of the important decisions in your marriage, or if her opinion will strongly influence your life.
4. What will we do for fun weekly (e.g. go to the movies)?  Will we vacation annually (or more or less frequently)?  I think my wife’s number one complaint is that I love being home, I can stay home all day and be perfectly content.  While she’s on the opposite end of that spectrum.  What’s my point? It will be mutually beneficial to come to some common grounds on your activities and vacations in advance.
5. How many children will we have; how will we discipline them?  Certainly an important question is how many children you will have, and how will they be disciplined.  Undisciplined children can put quite a strain on your marriage; please ensure you discuss this with your partner.
6. How do you define forever, forgiveness and fidelity?  Very important question, maybe the most important.  You want to know if your partner is planning on being with you (and only you) forever.  You also want to know if they will be quick to forgive when you have disagreements, the operative word being quick (see the article on the 10 Commandments of Arguing).
7. What will you look like in 20 years? Another great question, you don’t want to wait until your partner has put on an additional 100 pounds to discuss your personal preferences.  Prior to getting married, discuss your preferences with your spouse.  You also want to discuss how you will both achieve, and or maintain the results that you’re looking for.
8. How often will we go on dates once we get married? This one is especially for the ladies, you don’t want to marry your spouse only to discover that the last date you’ll ever go on, happened a week before your wedding (and you’re only 22).  Dating should really begin to flourish once you get married, not before.  Discuss your expectations, before you get married.
9. Not that you can perfectly predict the future, but what working hours are you comfortable with?  Also, when are we planning to retire? You want to know if your spouse will be working all the time, so that you all can plan accordingly.  Also, don’t forget to discuss your retirement plans; you will appreciate these questions as you get older.
10. How important is religion and spirituality in our marriage? What are our long term growth goals?  Can we grow together, or will we grow apart?  How will we continue to educate ourselves on being happily married?  You want to discuss the spiritual needs of the relationship, and you also want to discuss the growth needs, as it relates to self-development and the development of your marriage.  You want to have plans to grow together, or you will grow apart.  Remember, failing to plan, is planning to fail.
11. How much time do you plan spending with your friends after we get married; what is your relationship with friends of the opposite sex?  These are good questions, the best answer maybe found by looking to see what your partner is currently doing.  When you get married they won’t be a brand new person, you will both be the exact same people, with the exact same relationships and thoughts.  Be sure to openly discuss the time you will spending with both your male and female friends, and the importance or relative unimportance of those relationships.
12. Last but not least, how often will we have sex?  You want to find out now if you’re going to be having sex everyday or once a month.  That’s all I’ll say about that.

Your partner may not be able to answer all of these questions with perfect accuracy today, but if the questions are answered honestly, they will provide you with insight and guidance for your relationship.  So ask your significant other today, you will be glad you did tomorrow.   Be sure to bookmark this page and come back again.